So, I've been up since 1:47am. Ugh! I am feeling okay right now, but am afraid that at 3 o'clock today, as I'm getting on our second flight of the trip, I'm going to want to kill myself.
One thing on my mind, among many things, this morning was an article I read last night in the August Home Life before going to bed. In "Stripping the Veneer," Casey Avenriep talks about what it takes for a Christian to truly be authentic with people in our culture where looks and image matter so much. A quote from the opening paragraph caught my attention:
Why is it so difficult for me to be authentic, to admit failure, to boldly defy worldly standards, and to cry out to God for help in the process? Could it be that I desire acceptance more than I do obedience?
Good questions. They should have come out of my mouth first! He sights reading a book called Veneer: Living Deeply in a Surface Society, by Willard and Locy as being inspirational and challenging. (Maybe I found a new book to wreck my world? I'll have to hunt it down.) If we as Christians are called to be not of the world but in it, and to be Christ's hands and feet, how is it that my life seems at times a little "cookie-cutter"? I lay awake last night thinking about parts of my life where I need to be more honest, more authentic, more deliberate in my conversations. At first look, I thought "well, I'm pretty honest with these people," and that's true: I am basically an open book. I talk about how dirty my house really is, how I picked a fight with my husband, things that frustrate me beyond belief, and when the last time I washed my hair with some people, particularly my friends. I thought about why that is. I have a few friends who I believe will love me no matter what I say - even when I admit to being hateful towards someone. (I am thankful to you, by the way, more than you know. I need to say it more often, but I'm so thankful to have people to share my life with.)
I guess that's the problem at hand, then isn't it: Are we afraid of not being loved? Are we afraid of judgement? Are we afraid of not meeting the standards we believe others have set for us? Or the standards we've set? Do we imagine that if we don't look or act or behave a certain way, then we can't be a part of a certain group? If I lose face and people see how I really am, will they want to be around me? I think all of these things fall into play. Oh when all these things were running through my mind (at 2:30) I became so disheartened! I know I am guilty of not showing love in all circumstances! Whether by a look or a comment, to someone I know or a stranger in Publix, I have passed a quick judgement and moved on, instead of pausing and listening and loving someone. I am called to show Jesus to people! As He loves my soul, I am called to love others'. What a poor lover of souls I am.
I finally got out of bed at 5 and got my Bible and study book out. As I sat over orange juice and the Word, I thought about all the places my mind wandered in the middle of the night. It crossed my mind that maybe I needed to spend time thinking about those things. Lately my quiet time has been hurried and less than ideal. Perhaps because I did not set time aside yesterday (or all week) for prayer, the Lord set aside some time for me. When I think about it like that, it's pretty cool that the God of the Universe woke me up last night to deal with me on some things.
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