Does anyone else get bogged down in the "what-ifs"? I mean bogged down: can't get off Realtor.com; wish you could do something as cool as you saw on Pinterest; wish I wasn't so tired during A's naptime; what if we had another $100k to spend on a house; what if we lived in a different city; how did my house get so cluttered; why doesn't my table and dinner look like a 4 star restaurant; why do I waste my time doing this - kind of bogged down. Not that I live in negative land; I'm not bummed about any of the things above. (Believe me, I would love to have that extra 100k, but...) I am completely realistic and feel like I use my time well and am excited for what the future holds for my little family. But yesterday I just felt behind all day. All day!
I have always had an extremely active imagination. That's one reason I have always loved to read so much. In 2nd grade I imagined my name next to Nancy Drew's. In 4th grade I wondered how a cute boy from class (a prince, of course) could find away to climb up to my room to rescue me since I didn't have hair like Rapunzel. (Would he use a hot air balloon?) In high school my "what ifs" involved the future: what if my high school boyfriend follow me to Samford? Would we get married and move back to Lakeland to live happily ever after? In college my "what ifs" seemed to be about other people: what if I looked like her? what if I had clothes like her? What if? What if? What if?
Now it is simply an imagination thing: I watch a show about kidnapping and lay awake wondering what I would do in the same scenario. The initial offer we made on a house didn't work out, so I spent the next two days "what iffing" how we will bring a baby home into this two bedroom house.
When it comes down to it - active imagination or not - none of this is really a good thing. How much mental energy do I waste contemplating a life I don't have? Or beating myself up over my lack of magazine-layout-home-making-ability? Or how my child looks just "normal" in her Carter's outfit and crazy hair? Or how much easier _____ would be if Brad would just ______. It's just so ridiculous! It drains me and makes me want to drain our bank account to get these things - as if they matter. It makes me a tired and annoyed wife and mother. When in reality I cannot imagine my life much better. Most women would be green with envy if they knew all the stuff Brad does for us. And I'm pretty sure that even on her "normal" days, A is the cutest gal ever, and I'm so thankful for her (usually) sweet disposition.
I am thankful for a God that is all-knowing and powerful, and still interested in the little things of my life. After "what-iffing" myself yesterday into a frenzy of work in the kitchen and laundry, a new long list of homes to check out, a list of activities for A and I, and all around exhaustion, the Holy Spirit woke me up this morning. I am fairly consistent about waking up early enough for a quiet time before Addie gets up, except on Fridays. That's our morning for breakfast out with Brad, so I wake up running. This morning, however, I was up eeeaaarrrllly, and not by my own design. :) God had some words for me about desires of the flesh vs. desires of the Spirit. He reminded me that just because I've been a Christian for a long time doesn't mean the "old" self doesn't rear her ugly head every once in a while - or daily, haha - and I need live in the freedom He provides. Amen.
Oh, by the way, this afternoon we negotiated a contract for a house I love. I love how God works.
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